Tag Archives: humor

It’s all in the perspective

A young doctor examined an old man.  “And how do you feel”?  the young doctor asked.

“Not so good,” the old man sadly said.  “My left leg is giving me fits, it hurts something awful!”

“Oh, don’t you think that’s just old age, my friend”?

“No,” the old man said.  “My right one is the same age as my left, and it don’t hurt none!”

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Old age never lies

A newspaper interviewed a grizzled old man, sitting with his hands folded in his lap, behind his farmhouse.

“Sir, I’d like to know the secret of your long life.” asked the reporter.

“I drink a gallon of whiskey, smoke fifty cigars, and go out dancing every day of my life,” said the man.

“Remarkable!” said the reporter.  “And exactly how old are you?”

“Twenty-seven,” was the reply.

Unscheduled

He drove me to the depot

And just caught the 7:10.

As soon as he jumped on the train

It started to move again.

The car keys in his pocket

The train gone down the track

I sit here with my bathrobe on

Now how the heck do I get back?

(p. nicol)

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A friend indeed

You say you’ll climb mountains

Or dive in the sea for me,

You’ll go on a far journey

Or climb up a tree for me.

You say if I need you

You’ll stick our your neck for me;

But tell me now, please,

Will you cash a small check for me?

(r.a.)

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Love

A wife told her husband, “You never tell me you love me.”

“Oh yes I did,” he replied.  ‘I told you that when we were married.”

“But that was 20 years ago, ” she sighed.

“Okay,” he answered, “I love you.  This time don’t forget it.”

As far as I go

A woman slipped on a station escalator and started to tumble down to the bottom.  Halfway down she collided with a man, knocking him down, and the two continued downward together.

After they had reached the bottom, the woman, still dazed continued to sit on the man’s chest.

Looking at her, he said politely, “I am sorry madam, but this is as far as I go”.

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Unwarranted Remark

Today I bought a gizmo.  There’s

a warranty, I see.

It’s very brief.  Not so of the list

Of questions posed for me.

The makers want my name, address.

They want the dealer’s too.

The type of store?  My hometown’s size?

What color were the salesman’s eyes?

How numerous the queries that

The warrantors devise.

How few the situations where

Their warranty applies!

(mike mitchell)

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Money issues

A teenage was enthusiastically describing her new boyfriend to her father.

“He sounds very nice dear.” said the father, “but does he have any money?”

“Oh, you men are all alike,” answered the girl.

“Bob asked the same thing about you.”

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On the greens

A golfer teed off and accidentally hit a bystander on the head.

Enraged, the bystander yelled, “I am going to sue you for $5000.”

The golfer replied, “I said ‘fore'”

The bystander answered, “Okay, I’ll take it.”

Listener’s Lament

For good conversation

A wise man once said;

“To be a good listener,

Try quiet instead.”

After years of this plan

I now slowly burn;

When do talkers listen

So I get my turn?

(c. thomas howes)